A Tragedy, A Near-Miss and Reactivating Negative Memories

Solutions can be at our fingertips but don't really help us unless we can grasp them.  John Gray of Men are from Mars fame, had his life critically altered by the circumstances of his father's death.  From MarsVenus.com, "In 1985, John’s life was forever changed. His father picked up a hitchhiker, as he often did. This one robbed him and locked him in the trunk of his car under the Texas sun. It ended up taking days to locate his car and John’s father died.

John got the news on his honeymoon with Bonnie. He tried to make sense of the death, returning to the car and locking himself in the same trunk where his father had died. 'I could see the scratches where he had banged on the lid with a screwdriver looking for a way out,' John details. His father had popped out a tail light in an attempt to gain more air. John was able to squeeze his hand through the hole and pressed the button to open."  His dad was inches away from freedom and didn't realize it.  I cannot imagine the pain of this horrific death and I also cannot imagine how someone could hurt a Good Samaritan, but we all know it happens.  We all are triggered into "fight or flight" reactions in an emergency.  

On my way to Michigan with a friend this summer, I was feeling extremely anxious about driving my car.  Even though I usually enjoy driving, my "gut" was telling me not to drive.  I asked my friend if she could drive instead of me.  An hour into the trip, a semi-truck directly beside us turned into our lane as if we weren't there.  My friend veered into a construction zone to get us out of the way.  If I had been driving my car, I know my panic would have caused a much different, slower reaction time because I had a previous trauma years earlier from a near-miss with semi-truck when I had a car full of kids.  My friend's reaction saved us that day.  My take-away was that I realized I had not completely processed my previous trauma about my fear of semi-trucks.

When trauma from previous events stays in our subconscious minds, it can be reactivated by similar events.  Panic begets panic, until we learn how to manage or release it.  Yoga, breathing techniques and meditation are all ways to reduce stress, awaken intuition and strengthen our mind-body connections.

I will never understand someone intentionally hurting another, as in the case of John Grays father's death.  None of us can answer the "what ifs" for every tragedy.  However, in situations where we know ahead of time we might panic, we can use tools to get back to a calm place in our minds.  

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

Do You Wish You Had A Time Machine?

Do you wish you had a time machine?  Would you make different decisions, other than picking the correct lottery numbers :)  The bigger issue is that we all have free will to make our choices, so if you made a different choice, everyone else could react differently to that choice and the consequences are unknown.

Good or bad, right or wrong, most of us are doing the best we can in our lives.  Each mistake is a gift of learning how to do better the next time a similar situation comes up for us.  Even though we cannot turn back time, we have the ability to reduce the struggle and pain of beating ourselves up for our mistakes.  That is important for our future successes.

If you beat yourself up, chances are you do not fully and completely love yourself.  As human beings, we all make plenty of mistakes.  The "perfect ones" are fooling you, and maybe themselves, too.  We are all deserving of the knowledge that our best is enough, because we were born.  If you were born into a family that didn't teach this, each day is a fresh start/clean slate.  Please write it in BOLD on that clean slate "I AM ENOUGH"!!

I am good enough; you are good enough; we are all good enough.  That doesn't mean we should try to enter a competition without practice, it means we know that deep down, we can build competency with practice, intention, passion and a little help from our friends.  We don't need to prove our worth as human beings because we are worthy!!

Instead of wishing to turn back time, let's hope that learning from our mistakes becomes timeless wisdom in creating better futures.  If you surrounded yourself by people in the past that made bad choices, maybe you can change that if you haven't already done so.  Surrounding yourself by others who already believe they are enough creates a positive atmosphere for change.

Have a great day!!

xo
Conni

Life Balance

In the December 26, 2010, "The Sunday Conversation", Irene Lacher, Special to the Los Angeles Times quotes Deepak Chopra as saying, " 'I take stock every three or four months. Every four months or so, I take a week off to be in total silence, to look back and see what I should be looking at in the future.' Deepak Chopra was quoted as saying every three months he takes time to regroup and recharge."

When we honor ourselves by taking time out, we have a chance to put everything into perspective.  Easier said than done, right?  Teresa Meek wrote an article for Forbes.com titled To Be More Productive At Work, Take A Vacation -- Or A Nap which states, "Americans are known for working hard. About 40 percent of workers feel too overwhelmed by workplace demands to take their full time off. Another 13 percent worry that so much work will pile up when they’re away that they’ll have trouble catching up when they come back, the study said."  She also said bosses could consider employees who take their full vacation as less-dedicated and less-productive.  Yikes!!

What's the bottom line?   Most of us know burn-out isn't good for us mentally, physically or spiritually.  But too many are unwilling to take all of the vacation allotted to them.  Can you take it a step at a time?  If you want to change, start small.  Honoring yourself means doing your best and it never has to be all or nothing.

It's about finding a quiet space in our minds.  That can be different for everyone.  Our bodies, minds and spirits work together to allow health or sickness.  Start with awareness, bring attention to what you want to change, and do your best, one day at a time.  We must be our own advocates and those who take advantage of us will do so until we set boundaries.  Big changes begin with small steps.  If you take care of yourself more this summer than you did last summer, you are doing great!

Have a good day!!

Xo

Conni

"Inside Out" is an Enjoyable Way to Learn How We Process and Store Emotions

Ashley Lee from the Hollywood Reporter wrote an article about Pixar's animated blockbuster film, "Inside Out" titled "8 Things 'Inside Out' Teaches Viewers About Emotions, Memory and the Mind".  Her article includes interesting and detailed information from knowledgable sources.  Isn't it awesome to know joy, sadness, fear, anger, and disgust are alive and well inside of us??

If you are new to emotional work, "Inside Out" is a really fun way to learn the "ins" and "outs".  Understanding how our brains assimilate experiences helps us to understand how to reverse negative effects of bad experiences.

"That ability to identify and manage emotions is referred to as Emotional Intelligence (EQ), for which, 'around the age of two, children start rapidly developing a vocabulary for their feelings,' says child development and parenting expert Denise Daniels, who has created a line of EQ educational products. 'It is important to teach children emotional intelligence skills at an early age, so they have the necessary tools to manage the emotional ups and downs of everyday life.' "  

Why is that incredibly important?  Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence Why It Can Matter More than IQ and known for expanding EQ consciousness around the world states on his website,  "In 1995, I outlined the preliminary evidence suggesting that SEL (social and emotional learning) was the active ingredient in programs that enhance children’s learning while preventing problems such as violence. Now the case can be made scientifically: helping children improve their self-awareness and confidence, manage their disturbing emotions and impulses, and increase their empathy pays off not just in improved behavior but in measurable academic achievement."

Social cognition specialist and psychology professor Gail Heyman was quoted in the Hollywood Reporter article as saying "...to have embarrassment, guilt, or shame, you need to have certain cognitive skills, including a sense of self that can be judged by others."  While our sense of self allows us to feel those emotions, we also need to know we can reduce the effects of negative memories.

And while apathy makes it seem like someone experiencing trauma is doing better than if they were displaying sign of sadness, " '...apathy isn’t an emotion, it comes from depression or burnt-out feelings that include loss of situational control,' explains psychotherapist and author Emily Roberts. 'No one can be apathetic for long. On the outside they may appear apathetic, but inside, there is an internal battle brewing' ".  People who seem apathetic are just taking longer to process complex emotional situations.

What about emotional trauma?  Fran Walfish, psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent said in the Hollywood Reporter article that traumatic moments "can actually require more time to identify mixed emotions, process the experience and store a memory.  Sometimes, we must go through a myriad of emotions until we land in a place of resolution where we properly associate the memory."  In the movie, the traumatic event was a move across the country.  But it doesn't have to be a major event to cause havoc in our minds.

What's the bottom line?  To me, everything begins with an awareness of situations new or upsetting to us.  If people in our lives encounter new or possibly traumatic situations, it makes sense to look out for those internal emotional battles.  If we have dependent children involved in situations that have potential for multiple negative emotions, paying close attention and reaching out for help when necessary is key.  The sooner we work through change, the more time we have to feel happiness and joy (yay)!!!

Have a great day!!

xo
Conni

I Couldn't Have Said it Better: Tyra's Speech from "Friday Night Lights"

My brother's family started watching this show on Netflix and now we are all addicted to it!!  Tyra's speech from "Friday Night Lights" is an amazing example of how to break a negative cycle.  She wasn't born into a family that supported her but she had an ephipany when someone she knew became paralyzed.  No one deserves to live his or her life as a victim.  However, if something bad happens or if your formative years weren't filled with unconditional love, each day creates a new opportunity to begin again.  

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere on first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up and be generous and big hearted, the way people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can't wait."

If there is something stopping you from changing, do you know what it is?  If you have an abusive background, this show will bring up some issues.  Awareness of what makes us anxious is the first step to change.  Then, find a way to process the trauma that is still affecting you.  With trauma, we cannot "just get over it", it needs to be processed.  

My wish is that everyone has the possibility to make their personal dreams come true, whether it's being invited to the White House or climbing a mountain.  Part of being our best is knowing when to ask for help if we cannot process trauma on our own.  

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

Why it's Wrong to Give 'til it Hurts

There is a part of all of us that wants to give.  When countries, cities or families need us, we all want to give back.  It's all good, until it's not...

If you fit into the category of giving until it hurts, giving can be detrimental to your stress levels, bank account and your ability to take care of yourself.  Setting a healthy boundary has to be a conscious process of knowing your individual comfort level and when to say "no, I've done enough".  It's worth the time to make decisions in a private, calm setting before we face the world and everyone else's requests.

It's difficult to say "no" if it's "for the kids" or "for the troops" or "for the animals".  There is no perfect amount for a family or individual to give.  Each family has their own comfort level of giving but if you aren't saving for retirement, taking care of yourself has to come before taking care of others and it's no one else's business .  Saving a percentage of each paycheck for yourself must be "Step 1".

Then, take it a day at a time and learn to say "not today, but thank you" when you are asked to give beyond your limits.  If you give beyond your comfort level, resentment builds. Resentment is one of the most destructive emotions that you can have in your body.  

I am able to give my time and money from a loving place (most of the time), but getting rid of resentment is a personal journey and a process.  When I say "no", I silently offer blessings and peace to the people requesting my help.  My blessings are positive gifts to them without any effort on my part.

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni