The Three Bears, The Three Pigs and The Rest of Us......

Knowing what is "just right" is a good goal to have.  If you recall the story of Goldilocks, one bed was too soft, one was too hard, and the last one was perfect for her.  Once you know what is metaphorically "just right" for you in life, you need to make sure you have a solid foundation of confidence.

In the story of the three little pigs, one believed the easiest way to build a house was with straw, but throwing together some straw doesn't last as well as the brick when someone is trying to blow your house down.

Right and wrong, good and bad are all ways to decide the perfect choice for ourselves as humans in this "Earth School".  The problem is when we use personal criteria of right, wrong, good, bad, yes and/or no to choose what is the best decision for other people.  On some level, we all march to the beat of different drummers.  Some of us just do it more blatantly than other humans.

As parents, wanting our kids to be unique while asking them to conform often has an underlying issue attached to finances, which is fear-based for almost all of us.  As George Bailey said in It's A Wonderful Life, "(money) comes in pretty handy down here", and we were taught that conforming is the most likely way to end up financially solvent.  It may sound more freeing to allow our kids to miss school or practice whenever they feel the need, but test scores and playing time lead to scholarships so "going with the flow" for children seems impossible unless it can be scheduled in their free time ;)

Once we become self-sufficient adults, it is a competition between "me, myself and I".  I must love myself, be proud of myself for exactly who I am and know that my personal best is enough.  That is the foundation for self-worth and confidence.  The pigs who built their houses out of straw and sticks might think their structures are secure on the outside but as we all know, the wolf easily blows them down.  As in the story of the three little pigs, we all must have a solid foundation to weather the ups and downs of life.

If your teachers, care-givers and/or parents didn't "get you" or support you as a child, you probably need to strengthen your internal confidence.  As non-perfect adults, it is possible that teachers, care-givers and/or parents encourage children who remind them of themselves.  It's not conscious, it's human nature to like and encourage similar personalities (or "mini-me's").  The personality types who are outside the comfort level of mainstream adults miss out on mainstream affirmations.

When we are old enough and wise enough to really, truly love ourselves for exactly who we are, that is the moment in time when our efforts become noteworthy.  Making effort on the basis of someone else's criteria is a road leading to nowhere in this game of life.  For myself, growing up as a "dreamer" didn't fit my family's pragmatic paradigm...it took me a while to figure that out.

The good news is that it's never too late to find out who you are and what "floats" your personal boat. Each day is a new opportunity to uncover the layers of your personality you may have hidden to conform, as a child or as an adult.  Your personal best must include your hidden layers, because those hidden layers may be hiding part of your brilliance.  The world needs each and every person's brilliance to evolve and you deserve the best life has to offer!

Have a great day!!

xo
Conni

"Let Me Be There in Your Morning, Let Me Be There in Your Night"

"Wherever you go

Wherever you may wander in your life
Surely you know
I always wanna be there
Holding you hand
And standing by to catch you when you fall
Seeing you through
In everything you do"
John Rostill

Olivia Newton-John fan, here;)  Being supported by friends and family is one of the most wonderful gifts we can receive as human beings.  Have you reached out before and been rejected?  It's painful.  It can be difficult to not take rejection personally.  But when we know we are on earth to learn and grow, we realize it might be about us if we are rejected, and use that information as food for thought; or it might not be about us at all.  No one knows everything another person is going through.  

Learning how to forgive yourself for past mistakes and love yourself unconditionally makes it easier to feel confident enough to put ourselves out there.  As we increase self-esteem, the pain of rejection lessens.  When we love ourselves exactly as we are in this moment, we begin to attract more support.  

If you were supported and unconditionally loved as a child, you have the foundation of self-esteem that can grow through acknowledging your accomplishments.  If you were not supported and unconditionally loved as a child, it takes more effort to create a positive baseline of feeling those emotions but it can be done working through meditation and other forms of deep relaxation.

The first step is knowing we don't need anyone else to "be there" for us, we can "be here" for ourselves.  When we take the time to list what we feel we have done wrong in the past and begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, our lives become better.  We all make mistakes.  We all must make amends and forgive ourselves to move forward.

Worthiness, self-esteem and unconditional love make up the fabric of our internal knowingness that we are "enough".  And we are all "enough".  When I had my children, I remember being so happy for the miracle of their births.  Nurturing my kids, teaching them they were "enough", was the greatest gift I could give to the world at that time and it made my choices easy when it came to child-rearing decisions.  

Nurturing can come from anyone, not just a parent.  Teachers, coaches and countless other authority figures can all assist in nurturing kids and grown-ups.  If you don't love yourself, find a nurturing group to join,  We all deserve to know we are enough and our best is enough.  Counting on others to "be there" helps us walk through life with confidence.

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

"Consider Yourself, At Home...

...consider yourself part of the family

we don't have a lot to spare

who cares, whatever we've got we share"

Oliver

We all love to be considered "part of the family”, in fact, it is the highest compliment someone can be given (assuming you like your family).  Some people have friendships that are stronger than their family relationships.  With either blood or non-blood related family, a "family" bond is one that holds strong through good and bad, thick and thin.

It's a relief to know we can be ourselves, let our hair down, take off our "masks" and be real when we are with family.  They have our backs, we have theirs.  If I need a friend, I have one, no questions asked. Here's the catch: we all need to set healthy boundaries, even with our families.

If you have a friend or family member who has a pattern of asking for much more than you comfortably wish to give, now is the time to set a boundary.  The key is to align your values with your actions.  Then, you can feel comfortable with yourself and your resistance lowers as you get into "the flow”.  You can relax, which results in a decrease in your stress levels.  This is the place you want to be!!

If it's difficult for you to say "no", say "yes" instead.  This doesn’t mean you need to change your values to give someone what they want. Rather, you can change what you give! "Yes, of course I would love to help you.  It is my absolute pleasure!!  Although I cannot give you 'this' at this time because I don't have enough to share, I can easily help you by giving you as much of 'that' as you require because I have it in abundance.”  

Many people believe that the best gift to offer is money, but sometimes money isn’t necessarily what a person actually needs the most.  Can you give the gift of time? The gift of listening? The gift of a helping hand with a chore?  If you are a "math whiz', can you help him or her set up a budget?  If you are a great cook, can you share a meal?

As we align our values with our actions and our resistance decreases, we can allow more happiness into our own lives.  If you can do a “deep clean” of your life and get rid of cases where you regret giving more than you feel comfortable, you have room in your life to accept more abundance! Happiness attracts abundance, so by having comfortable boundaries, we have even more to give! When we feel a lack of something in our lives, it can show up as lack of confidence.  That is why it is so very important to make sure our intentions are pure.

If your pure intention is to help someone, just make sure you are not hurting yourself by helping others.  Give the gifts you have in abundance with love and more abundance will come to you as a result.

Have a great day!

xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose to set healthy boundaries with everyone, including family, and I offer gifts that I have in abundance.

The Spectrum of Selfless to Selfish........

Selfish:  just the word alone used to make me cringe.  I would have done anything to avoid it. Are or were you a "people pleaser"?  Would you be offended if someone told you that you were selfish?  We all have a different baseline for what constitutes selfishness.  One person's selfish behavior is another person's altruism.  In fact, we all have different internal baselines for most behaviors people judge as right or wrong.  Who knows what we do to help others except for us?

Merriam-Webster defines selfishness as  "1:  concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself :  seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others."  But isn't the term "excessive" different for everyone?  When we are true to ourselves, knowing deep inside that we are appropriately taking care of ourselves is a good thing. 

If you were punished for being selfish as a child, you may limit your ability to reach for the stars as an adult.  As long as we aren't doing anything illegal, what's wrong with taking care of ourselves first?  Why do we sometimes care more about what others think (and/or say) than about treating ourselves with respect, love and kindness?  If it feels uncomfortable to take care of yourself, please take the time to reflect on memories of when and why you started believing it was always a bad thing. 

Of course, there is a spectrum of choices between being selfless and being a narcissist. Being selfish is good some of the time but not all of the time.  If we are responsible for young children, we need to take care of their physical and emotional nurturing.  But if you are always last on your list, regroup today!!  We can all work toward our dreams as we share any gifts, talents, money and/or effort we have in excess.  If you don't have anything in excess, don't feel guilty about not sharing.  Let's "put on our own oxygen masks first" and take care of ourselves in mind, body and spirit.  

Take changes one step at a time.  We shouldn't feel guilty when our actions align with our values.  Loving and approving of ourselves and our choices brings internal alignment, which allows self-worth.  

Have a great day!!

xo
Conni

Today's Mantra:  Taking care of myself first will give me more energy to take care of others.

(Un)Focus for Clarity.....(Every Day is a Winding Road)

The ingrained tools of how to be a good student can block us from being a good student of life.  To "go with the flow" instead of working harder can sometimes get us further, faster as we shift paradigms and regroup.  When we are focused on trying harder, we can miss the (symbolic) forest if we can only see individual trees.

So all of you control freaks out there (you know who you are, I'm a recovering control freak myself).......if you can stop trying to control things that are out of your control, your life will become more relaxed, and that is "the flow".  Did you hear the angels singing??  Or was it Sheryl Crow???

"Every day is a winding road.....

Jump in lets go

Lay back, enjoy the show

Everybody gets high 

Everybody gets low"

Sheryl Crow/Brian Macleod/Jeff Trott

So if we worry less about the past (after we make amends) and worry less about the future (after we take steps toward our goals), that is when we can live in the moment (aaahhhhhhh).  Living in the moment is one of the secrets (shhhh) to our best lives.  

How do we release worry?  There are many, many ways.  Meditation, exercise, hypnosis, and/or making the choice to stop worry in its infancy are all options (I visualize the red circle with a line through it when I become aware of overthinking a situation).  A few "gurus" suggest putting a rubber band or rubber bracelet around your wrist and snapping it when awareness kicks in (ouch).  Some options are easier and faster than others.  I work with releasing worry and fear through methods involving deep, deep relaxation.  I had previously tried affirmations alone for many years without great results so I "jumped into" other methods :)

When you are ready, take a minute or two to reevaluate where all of your excess worry has gotten you in life.  If you haven't gotten closer to your goals through excess worry, perhaps this is the time to make an important replacement in your toolbox.  Take action, release and let go.  

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

Why "Good" Must Come Before "Great"

Being overly ambitious sounds like a good quality to have; but caution needs to be given to goals that have been set too high.  It's great to have ambitious goals, but the trick is to know and understand it needs to be accomplished one step (or two steps) at a time.

"If I had a million dollars 

(If I had a million dollars)..."

Ed Robertson/Steven Page

When we don't have five dollars to our names, it's detrimental to do million dollar affirmations and visualizations.  Just as it takes "practice, practice, practice" to get to Carnegie Hall, it takes practice to expand our possibilities and potential for good.  If you had a caregiver that told you over and over again you wouldn't amount to anything, that voice in your head could be limiting your potential.

When we hear to stories of people rising from the ashes to succeed, we don't always get the details of how they overcame their circumstances.  In almost all cases (and I've studied this) the "overcomers" had someone (or multiple someones) in their lives to counteract the person or people who told them they were "no good".

Having the awareness that it is necessary to retrain our inner voices of doom, sadness and unworthiness is essential to success!

Let's make our own nursery rhyme (fingers crossed it gets stuck in your head).....

"Good before great

It's never too late 

To retrain our brains

When deciding our fates

We know that it works

One step at a time

To find our true worth

While learning to shine

We must be supported

On the journey to change 

And we must love ourselves (to)

Expand our "worthiness" range

Knowing this truth

Is the way to achieve

All we desire

But we must, first BELIEVE"

Conni Halffield August 20, 2015

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

Trust and Vulnerability In Relationships

"'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections"
John Legend

Trusting anyone with our imperfections involves a measure of faith.  Since we can't live in someone else's pocket, we have to trust.  When we open ourselves up and make ourselves vulnerable, it's freeing and terrifying at the same time.  Freeing, because we can be our authentic selves; and terrifying because if we choose the wrong person to trust, the downward spiral (after betrayal is revealed) is more painful than if we didn't open ourselves up at all.

Too much honesty during new relationships may be misunderstood.  We all have layers and our "first meeting" layer should be protective.  But after we know there is potential for a relationship to expand, being authentic saves time and heartache.  When we begin to love ourselves unconditionally (which is a basic principle of a happy life), others will be attracted to our positive sense of self.

If you've jumped into relationships too quickly in the past, now is the time to shift that pattern.  No need to be a relationship overachiever.  Sometimes I'm good at reading first impressions accurately and sometimes I'm not good at it......

When we learn, step by step, that someone is trustworthy, we need to treat the relationship like gold.  Adding more and more trustworthy people into our lives allows us to become vulnerable and that is the only way we will live our best lives.  We must love ourselves unconditionally and surround ourselves with others who love us unconditionally, too.

When you are ready, allow your authentic self to shine!!  Your light will attract more of the same.  You will have more meaningful relationships and you will bring more joy to your own life and the lives of others :)


Have a great day!!

xo
Conni

Evolving to Soar (Loving Diane Keaton in "Baby Boom")

Back in the day, there was a movie called "Baby Boom" starring Diane Keaton.   She had a big job at a big company and she called the shots.  In a twist of fate, she became responsible for a baby, moved out of the city and started over (while falling in love).  

When she was trying to find a way not to waste the apples from her orchard, she "fell into" making specialty organic baby food before it was a popular commodity.  Then, she went back to the company she left to sell her product and get back into the "big time".  

"Baby Boom" has classic life lessons.  People who learn how to nurture themselves and strengthen their personal gifts and talents are able to showcase them in most situations.  Diane Keaton's character spent the entire movie evolving when it was not part of her original plan to have a child, move to the country or start a baby food business.  She rolled with the changes, forgave herself for mistakes she made along the way and ended the experience with a baby, a beautiful relationship and financial security.

Some people start life with more blessings than others.  Some have more obstacles to overcome.  We all make mistakes; we all have unlimited chances to start over.  Evolving is about trying our best as we learn and grow.  We all have choices, every day.  If we make the wrong choice one day, we can give ourselves a "clean slate" the next day.  Forgiving ourselves and others is a large part of personal growth.  Forgiving isn't forgetting and continuing to be vulnerable to abuse.  It's taking the power of the pain away so we have more opportunities to move forward.

There are levels of trauma on the spectrum of abuse.  If your level of trauma and pain is high, most likely you will need assistance in healing that pain before you can forgive.  Please reach out if you need help, you are worth it!!

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose the courage to change and reach out when necessary.

Intuition

Acknowledging a mind-body connection helps us understand information that is accessible to us.  Sometimes we don't understand how information fits into our lives when it's for "future use".  We can't access certain feelings, memories, emotions until others have been processed, there is a timing component.  One step leads to another.  New information is available at each new step.  

I use the analogy that it's like the beginning of a puzzle.  It is so much easier to start with the borders and fill it in so there is structure and form.  Then, adding the middle pieces becomes faster and more intuitive.  We build confidence in our intuition every time we use it and it proves to be helpful.

Merriam-Webster defines intuition as 

": a natural ability or power that makes it possible to know something without any proof or evidence 

: a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why

: something that is known or understood without proof or evidence".

You might doubt it, but if you have ever felt a "gut instinct" about something, that is intuition.  Symptoms in our bodies can direct us to information that is helpful when we know how to interpret it.  We must be our own advocates and listen to what our bodies tell us.  

Clues for our health, wealth and joy can sometimes be literal.  Feeling "the weight of the world around our shoulders" can be a clue to "let go".  Sometimes intuition is symbolic.  Feeling a person is "shady" in business is a clue not to work with him or her.  You might know when someone isn't telling the whole truth, but the reason may or may not be harmful.  It's always good to take extra time, when possible, for issues where you feel something is "off".  

Sometimes fear is just plain old fear.  Other times, it's an indication to reconsider an upcoming decision.  When we go to a quiet state of mind with enough regularity to find personal peace, our intuition becomes stronger.  The messages I hear in those quiet moments are the ones I take to heart.  

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose to acknowledge and strengthen my intuition.

Have You Heard People Say Pain is "An Illusion"?

Have you ever heard people say that pain is "an illusion"?  It took me a long time to understand what was meant by that phrase.  It's not that pain isn't real, it's that you can lessen the impact of pain with practice. 

Let me explain further...I used to dread going to the dentist when I was a kid.  He didn't seem like a nice man to me. I had cavities in almost every one of my back teeth and he told me that I would be a baby if I wanted to use Novocain to have the drilling done. When I went in, the fillings most of the time were very, very deep and hit a nerve but I wanted to prove that I wasn't a baby so I didn't ask for Novocain.

For many years, I hated going to the dentist.  My dread was about pain in some capacity, but mostly about trauma that my mind attached to the actual act of going to the dentist, not necessarily getting my teeth drilled.  I had fear attached to going to the dentist regardless of whether not he is going to use the drill. It was just the sound of him using the drill on someone else as I was getting my teeth cleaned by the hygienist that would bring up anxiety in my body. It was the fear of pain based on previous negative experiences at the dentist.

Also, whenever I thought about the pain, it increased my physical pain because I tensed my body muscles in anticipation of the first touch of that drill. The feelings of dread used to build up as my appointment got closer.  My new dentist always numbs my mouth so there's little if any pain involved in drilling.

So when we talk about emotions being "an illusion", it's the illusion based on previous painful experiences and what we believe about an issue versus what will actually happen today for us.  Bringing to the table the physical and mental belief that pain will be difficult to bear will make any situation today more painful than it needs to be.  Meditation, breathing and other mind-body activities can reduce the physical and mental dread of pain which will impact how we feel in situations involving pain.

I still have a small bit of anxiety going to the dentist.  It used to be a "10" and now it's a "1".  I'm working on releasing the last little bit.  If you have activities in your life you avoid because you dread them, try to piece together your underlying negative beliefs and memories for that activity.  You can change the way you feel about it with practice.

Have a great day!!

Xo

Conni