Cognitive Dissonance and How it Affects Your Daily Actions

The theory of cognitive dissonance, which was developed by Leon Festinger in the field of social psychology, is defined by dictionary.com as "anxiety that results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible attitudes, beliefs, or the like, as when one likes a person but disapproves strongly of one of his or her habits."  Your mind will only allow a certain amount of variance before it's too much for it to handle.

If you believe you are a "good person" and you do something a "good person" wouldn't do, there could be an internal consequence to that behavior.  Here's an important distinction: a situation can be upsetting to one person and not to another person based on each person's internal value system.  We all have certain beliefs in common but our values are influenced by other factors including where we live, how we are raised, our lineage, our peer groups, religious beliefs, and the culmination of all of our personal circumstances.  

When an adult lives in a way that is significantly different from his value system, he may use unhealthy coping mechanisms to drown out his internal voice that is making him aware of his conflicting internal state.  People whose negative coping mechanisms have become habits often join others with the same habits, creating their own peer groups with new and accepting values.  However, the original value systems are still inside of the person, continuing to cause mental conflict.  

Celebrity Rehab, hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky, fascinated me when I watched it.  The deep emotions that come out of people with addictions are always surrounded by unworthiness and pain, showing the chasm between who they have become vs. who they would like to be.  

No one is perfect.  We all make "bad" choices.  As patterns emerge with adults making "good" or "bad" choices, being able to forgive yourself for "bad" choices can make a difference in how often cognitive dissonance plays a part in your daily life.  Shame is incredibly debilitating to humans.  If you have shame in your life, it's an area that must be addressed in order to begin to love and accept yourself.  The more we love ourselves, the more possible it is to be tolerant of our mistakes.  Forgive yourself, make amends, and move forward.

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose to be tolerant of mistakes in myself and others.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Did You Know Money is an Emotional Issue For Most of Us?

Someone I know told me this story.  She went through a fast food drive-through and was short-changed by the cashier.  She had given her a $20 and the cashier said she gave her a $10.  She knew she was correct because she only had a $20 bill with her.  The manager said "I believe it was $10, would you like me to close the drawer and recount it?"  

There was a long line of cars behind her.  She was intimidated, took the change for the $10 and left.  What would you do?  It's one thing to stand up for yourself one on one. It's another thing to stand up for yourself in front of a crowd, making bystanders wait for 10 minutes.

I was in a retail store a few weeks ago and the man in front of me in line indicated his purchase was supposed to be 30% off.  The manager got involved and she mumbled something about a coworker applying the stickers making a mistake.  She said they could honor the discount but would have to start the entire sale over, making me wait.  I mentioned that was fine with me, I wasn't in a hurry, but the customer told them to forget about it and he left, paying the higher price.

In both instances, I believe the stores were incorrect in their handling of the situations.  There had to be an easier way to make things work.  Neither consumer was trying to take advantage.  

Money is an emotional issue.  Worthiness issues come out often when money is involved.  Sometimes I have valuable coupons I can't use and offer them to people in line.  Most of the time, they say "no".  Do you pass up free money?  Do you respect money?  Do you count your change and check receipts?

Sometimes it's a better choice to leave a situation, even knowing you were correct, based on the circumstances.  It is worthwhile to understand your personal money patterns.  If you have a situation that comes up over and over again for you, it helps to begin to pay attention to the patterns.

Money patterns are developed.  Your current standard of living doesn't always dictate how you react.  It is usually childhood conditioning, in addition to what you have in the bank now, that affects how we handle money today.  The underlying feelings about a situation give you the best information.  

Dr. Brad Klontz talks about money disorders in the article "Mind Over Money" in Psychology Today.  "Money Disorders are persistent patterns of self-destructive and self-limiting financial behaviors. They result from distorted beliefs about money we develop from our financial flashpoint experiences. Financial flashpoints are painful, distressing, and/or dramatic life events associated with money that are so emotionally powerful, they leave an imprint that lasts into adulthood. Financial flashpoints become the foundation of our financial struggles.

Whether it's a childhood of poverty or want, a message about money subconsciously internalized from a parent, a nest egg lost to an economic downturn later in life, or someone rushing in at the last moment to save the economic day, everyone has experienced a financial flashpoint in their lives. Recognizing them is the first step in stripping them of their power, and overcoming our money disorders. Then we can learn to identify our money beliefs, spot them when they are creeping into our minds, and revise them into healthier, more productive ones."

As Dr. Klontz states, awareness of our money triggers is the first step to breaking a cycle. Since most of us have had a negative experience with money, the experience starts a pattern of a negative outlook with money, if it's not processed in a healthy way when it originally happens.  If you don't have an emotional reaction to stressful money situations, consider yourself one of the lucky ones:)

Have a wonderful day!
Xo
Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose to be aware of my emotional reaction to stressful money situations.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

If We Didn't Know We Were Different, Would There Be Less Conflict in the World?

Excerpts from an ABC news story by Steve Osunsami show an interesting and hopeful bond between three animals that should be enemies from a genetic perspective.  "At Noah's Ark, a wild-animal rescue center in Georgia, the 'BLT' are an unlikely trio that even 'Oz's' Dorothy would find hard to fear.  'It's a lion, a tiger and a bear - oh my!' said Allison Hedgecoth of Noah's Ark. 'They live together and they don't see their differences. They don't see their color differences.'

In a small pen, Baloo (an American black bear), Leo (the lion) and Shere Kahn (a Bengal tiger) cuddle, play ball, chase each other around, eat cookies daily and seem to have forged a friendship for life.  The three predators were rescued as cubs 12 years ago from drug dealers who'd abused and neglected them.

'All of them had issues,' Hedgecoth said. 'They have recovered more than 100 percent.'

.......When trainers tried to separate the animals, they acted out. For years, trainers said they.......had witnessed nothing but peace among the three.  'I think that the ordeal they went through as youngsters really bonded them together,' she told ABC News. 'That's all that they had. They only had each other for comfort.'

She said separating them now, after more than a decade together, would be 'cruel.....there definitely is something special going on between the three of them,' she said. 'That is definitely a lesson.'"

Three animals who would have been natural enemies in the wild bonded over a traumatic situation and found comfort from each other through their pain.  Without knowing they were different species and with only one of each type of animal, they found strength, peace, and happiness with each other. If we were in this situation ourselves, forming a melting pot of humanity, uncaring about cultural aspects, would it make a difference?

If we all had a chance to release our preconceived notions about each other, and as we look upon each as unique individuals, perhaps we would be more able to see our mutual interests, rather than excluding people because of their differences.

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose to see others as unique individuals.  

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Do You Know How You are Being Influenced?

The application of social influence in modern society is big business. How do we persuade others and how are we being persuaded?  A list by Marwell & Schmitt (explanations from workingpsychology.com) gives insight into some of the basic tools:  

         16 Influence Tactics (Marwell & Schmitt, examples by Kelton Rhoads, Ph.D)

Reward. I'll reward you if you do it. "I'll throw in a pair of speakers if you buy it today." "Thanks! I'll make certain your manager knows how helpful you were."

Punishment. I'll punish you if you don't do it. "If you don't buy it today, I won't be able to offer you this special incentive price again." "If I can't get it at that price tomorrow, then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Positive Expertise. Speaking as an authority on the subject, I can tell you that rewards will occur if you do X, because of the nature of reality. "If you start working out at our gym regularly, you'll find that people are more attracted to you physically."

Negative Expertise. Speaking as an authority on the subject, I can tell you that punishments will occur if you do Y, because of the nature of reality. "If you don't buy it today, you may never get another chance--our stock is almost sold out."

Liking, Ingratiation. Getting the prospect into a good frame of mind "Gosh you look nice today. I just love that hat you're wearing! Should we order dessert before we look over the contracts?"

Gifting, Pre-giving. Giving something as a gift, before requesting compliance. The idea is that the target will feel the need to reciprocate later. "Here's a little something we thought you'd like. Now about those contracts . . ."

Debt. Calling in past favors. "After all I've done for you! Come on--this time it's me who needs the favor."

Aversive Stimulation. Continuous punishment, and the cessation of punishment is contingent on compliance. "I'm going to play my classical music at full volume if you insist on playing your rock music at full volume. When you turn yours down, I'll turn mine down."

Moral Appeal. This tactic entails finding moral common ground, and then using the moral commitments of a person to obtain compliance. "You believe that women should get equal pay for equal work, don't you? You don't believe that men are better than women, do you? Then you ought to sign this petition! It's the right thing to do."

Positive Self-feeling. You'll feel better if you X. "If you join our club today, you'll feel better about yourself because you'll know that you're improving every day."

Negative Self-feeling. You'll feel bad if you Y. "If you don't return it to him and apologize, you'll find it hard to live with yourself."

Positive Altercasting. Good people do X. "Smart people tend to sign up for the year in advance, because that's how they can get the best weekly rate."

Negative Altercasting. Only a bad person would do Y. "You're not like those bad sports that whine and complain when they lose a game."

Altruism. Do-Me-A-Favor. "I really need this photocopied right away, can you help me out?" (An extremely common influence tactic and in wide use among friends and acquaintances).

Positive Esteem of Others. Other people will think more highly of you if you X. "People resepect a man who drives a Mercedes."

Negative Esteem of Others. Other people will think worse of you if you Y. "You don't want people thinking that you're a drug-head loser, do you?"

We all use persuasive tactics in our lives; some with pure intentions and others with nefarious intentions.  No judgment, though, it's just a part of our society.  It's good to have an understanding of why we do the things we do; because actions we take that go against our values will lead to feelings of discontentment.  Peace, harmony, integrity, security, happiness:  these are the qualities most of us aspire to have in our lives. 

On the flip side, an awareness of how we are being influenced allows us to create space, becoming more purposeful.  Of course, there's a difference between being influenced into making a small purchase vs a large purchase; none of us has the time or inclination to overanalyze each decision.  

Part of my purpose in sharing this information is to provide examples of when we could be triggered by our need to fulfill other peoples' desires; being true to ourselves is easier when we know who we are and who we wish to become.  Also, you may try to help others but resent it when the same people won't help you.  Analyze and adjust, if necessary, without overanalysis.  Going with the flow can be easier when you know which way the wind is blowing, and why someone might be trying to direct it's path.

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra: I choose to have an understanding of what influences my decisions.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Your Greatness Is Inside of You, It Is Your Job to Reveal It

One of Michelangelo's famous quotes is, “In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”

Each time we are able to move past a deeper layer of limitation within us, we become closer to the people of greatness we are meant to be.  Who would you be if your heart's desires could come true right now?  How close is your life to the life you wish to have?

If you could automatically let go of all of the barriers between you and your dreams, would you?  I don't mean making the rent payment optional and going on vacation, but what if you could let go of your internal struggles?  If the beliefs that hold you back:  I'm too young; too old; too short; too tall; too this or too that to follow my dreams.......what would happen if you could let go of those obstacles?

Marianne Williamson and Nelson Mandela were both credited with the following:  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

If you could see yourself as a work of art in progress, would you understand that the value is already here now, just waiting for permission to be released?  Whose permission are you waiting for?  If you haven't received it yet from that person, you might consider moving forward without it.  If someone is telling that you are too (something limiting) to be successful, why do you believe them?

You are truly in competition with yourself, trying to be a better you today than you were yesterday.  Any progress creates a "win" because the goal is to live your best life using your unique gifts and talents.  You have the ability to mold and remold yourself until you are happy with the results. 

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I am willing to see the greatness within me.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

What is Resistance and How Does it Block Success?

Resistance creates a barrier between what you have and what you desire. It's trying to swim against the current instead of floating downstream. Feeling like you are not good enough creates resistance. It comes from a place of fear and actually makes it harder to change, because it feeds into expecting failure. 

When we make New Year's Resolutions and try to keep them, the underlying belief is that I am not good enough as I am today. It makes success harder to achieve because when results are not immediate, low self-esteem contributes to causing people to go back to bad habits. If you have listened to the comments of people who give up, they might say, "oh well, it wouldn't make a difference anyway". That's a sign of low self-esteem.  

Resistance acts like a pressure cooker in your mind. There is only so much it can take until things blow. We reduce resistance when we are able to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are at this moment. The goal is to have our core belief knowing innately that we are enough. With that, change becomes easier.

If we have to be perfect before we can change, it won't happen, because none of us are perfect. Accepting and loving ourselves, exactly as we are in this moment, are the first steps to creating lasting change. It can be so difficult to like or love ourselves, but it is one of the most important paradigm shifts we must make to lead our best lives.

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

Can You Think of a Major Event in Your Life For Which You Can't Fully Forgive?

I have a few situations where I thought I had completely forgiven myself, I had been consistently releasing the guilt and shame over and over again. Since I have been focusing on positive changes, most of it is gone, but there are still lingering strands of unworthiness. I test where I am in my beliefs every day.  

If you have been conditioned to believe that you must hold onto the past, please remember forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or allowing yourself to be vulnerable to abuse. We learn from the past but we can do this without holding grudges. If I knew someone was abusive, I wouldn't allow myself to be open to more abuse from that person. If I was the abuser, I would ask for forgiveness and make amends.

Here is the good news: we can choose to forgive!! Yay! We can move forward with our lives. Regarding our mistakes, make amends and move forward; that's a good way to live. I commit to doing my best today, and that is good enough. Even if I make mistakes, my best will always be good enough. Also, I can choose to forgive others when I am ready; a bit at a time, if that's what works for you.

Some believe holding onto the negative emotions helps to keep you safe. That is untrue. You can keep yourself safe with the wisdom of past experiences without holding onto the negative emotions surrounding the experiences. Releasing guilt, blame, judgment and shame can take multiple attempts when the emotions are deeply embedded. The more traumatic a situation was, the deeper the feelings are rooted. Imagine the negative emotions in layers; our goal is to move forward, removing layer after layer.

When you are hard on yourself, the feelings become more difficult to release, but it's extremely worthwhile to do this, and continue doing it. Joesph Murphy says "Life holds no grudges against you." If life isn't holding a grudge, what's stopping you from forgiving yourself?  

We are hurting ourselves by living a smaller life if we can't forgive ourselves for making mistakes. Shame lessens your authentic power. If your goal is to be perfect, you are missing out on the growth you could have from new experiences. Giving yourself permission to fail is a significant way to embrace all of life's possibilities. In the end, you are holding yourself back when you are unable to forgive.

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

  

Entitlement, to Me, Means Receiving Without Gratitude

(Warning:  controversial subject matter, approach with caution)

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the third definition of entitlement is

"Belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges"

A lot of people talk about the entitled younger generation.  I don't see it in a general way.  A friend of mine described being entitled as receiving without feeling genuinely grateful.  That makes more sense to me.  Many negative or misunderstood issues can be related back to a lack of gratitude.

Understanding how to enjoy plentiful things with the gratitude you feel for something precious is a skill.  We can learn to have a childlike wonder all over again, it only takes practice.   It can bring joy to an ordinary experience, and joy creates more joy.  There is a definite place I go to in my heart when I savor something and it comes with a feeling "ahh, that (sunset; ice cream; bike ride) was amazing, wasn't it??"  Savoring is key.  You can't savor something and take it for granted at the same time.

When my kids had those days that they didn't want to go to school, I told them about how school was a privilege of the chosen few before it was mandated for every child.  Information helps stories become relatable.  There was a time that not all children were allowed to go to school, we are so lucky that we have incredible schools to better ourselves.

A warm house, a dependable car, food when we are hungry; do these sound like answers in the game show $10,000 pyramid?  If yes, the category would have to be: "things that we are lucky to have but sometimes take for granted."  Yes, everyone takes things for granted, that's human nature.

For my toddlers, I used to wait until they said "thank you" to give them privileges, with unlimited reminders until it becomes routine.  With older kids, we move onto a depth of understanding of the choices in our incredible lives, this is a "first world issue" becomes a frequent topic in our home.  We all take things for granted, none of us is perfect.  We all have unlimited chances to make things better.

It is overwhelming to be responsible for another human being; add to that the need to pay the bills, cook dinner, carpool, and sleep and there's not a lot of time left over to share your wisdom.  Car time and dinner time can be the best places to share your thoughts in a relaxed manner.   

Knowing we are lucky enough to not have to worry about basic essentials becomes a safety net for us, allowing us to use our energies for the greater good.  Attaching gratitude changes the dynamic from being entitled to not taking things for granted.  Learning to be grateful for small things usually translates into learning to be grateful for all things.  I firmly believe most of us want to be grateful, given the time and opportunity to be thoughtful about it.  It's another issue where digging deeply and creating space gives us the chance to become more mindful of our blessings.

Have a wonderful day!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I intend to be grateful for my basic needs being met.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

More About How to Reduce Distress (Negative Stress)

Do we take on unnecessary negative stress in our lives?  From a physical standpoint, techniques to lower stress are helpful; these go hand in hand with how to have healthy boundaries so stress can be limited.  

Deep breathing assists in calming the body down; in addition, change your thoughts to allow your mind and your body to work together to have positive results.  Outer techniques and inner techniques work together to create success.

As we have to purposefully calm ourselves mentally in stressful situations, we revisit the topic of training our thought processes.  People who constantly worry about things outside of their control do a disservice to their health.  Take action and release, over and over, release the fear.  If you worry about the future, begin with doing your best, then state, "I am willing to release the need to be afraid, because I understand this is out of my control". (Adopted from Louise Hay.)  Releasing fear is not difficult when it becomes routine.  

In an excerpt of one of his final works, "The Nature of Stress"; Hans Selye, (1907-1982), considered the father of how stress affects the body, states: 

"After four decades of clinical and laboratory research, I would summarize the most important principles briefly as follows:

1. Find you own stress level-the speed at which you can run toward your own goal. Make sure that both the stress level and the goal are really your own, and not imposed upon you by society, for only you yourself can know what you want and how fast you can accomplish it. There is no point in forcing a turtle to run like a racehorse or in preventing a racehorse from running faster than a turtle because of some 'moral obligation.' The same is true of people.

2. Be an altruistic egoist.  Do not try to suppress the natural instinct of all living beings to look after themselves first. Yet the wish to be of some use, to do some good to others, is also natural. We are social beings, and everybody wants somehow to earn respect and gratitude. You must be useful to others. This gives you the greatest degree of safety, because no one wishes to destroy a person who is useful.

3. Earn thy neighbor's love.  This is a contemporary modification of the maxim 'Love thy neighbor as thyself.'  It recognizes that not all neighbors are lovable and that it is impossible to love on command.

Perhaps two short lines can encapsulate what I have discovered from all my thought and research:

Fight for your highest attainable aim,

But do not put up resistance in vain."

(The article and subject matter are extremely thorough, differentiating between distress and stress from positive situations, and the differences in  the body's reactions; my thoughts are based on negative stress.)

His advice:  to set your own limits and let go of the things not in your control to reduce negative stress.  We need to make sure we are living by our personal value systems, helping others with our excess of time or money.  It becomes a purposeful intention with awareness, clarity and repetition.

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I intent to be aware of what triggers negative stress in my life.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Moving 27 Things to Create Change

There is a Chinese proverb one of my friends mentioned to me about moving 27 items in your house.  The intention behind your actions always helps to solidify ideas; so if you are desiring movement in your life, it's a fun, easy activity.  Have you heard the theory that cleaning house physically helps you mentally clean house?  

If we want to achieve something and we make a symbolic shift in our real lives, it brings more attention to our desires.  I always "internet stalk" things I get excited about.  In my research I found a book dedicated to this topic, which received great reviews on amazon.  I haven't read it, but it's called, aptly, "27 Things to Feng Shui Your Home".

I used to keep things I didn't want, to prove to the giver that I liked them by liking the gift.  I kept things that I never planned to use, taking up space so in case someone asked, I could prove I still had it.  If that sounds familiar, now is the time to give yourself permission to get rid of the things you don't use.  Loving someone does not mean that you have to keep every gift you received from them, although it is always appropriate to be grateful when receiving the gift.

Are you willing to give it a try?  Move 27 things in your house.  As you are doing that, see what you can give away and begin to become aware of what you want to mentally shift.  

When we did this in my home, we put some things in the giveaway pile and moved a few things to the correct feng shui position.  It took less than 15 minutes.  I also realized I had more clutter than I thought I had.  

The overall goal is to create momentum for change.  We start with an intention and follow through with easy physical actions.  It is a great feeling to know you are choosing happiness through your willingness to change.

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I intend to create change by altering my space.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Thank You, Mothers, For Providing Unconditional Love

People who grew up with it assume everyone did.  People who didn't grow up with it have no understanding of what it's like.  It costs nothing but it is the key ingredient for a person to live at her or his highest potential with ease and grace.

The most fortunate received it from both predominant caregivers.  The unlucky children didn't have it from either predominant caregiver.  It's a safety net for life.  It's creates the ability for someone to know that when all else fails, she is valuable because she is loved.  Sometimes, even though both caregivers were able to provide unconditional love, there is something inside of lost souls that can't accept it.  

I weep for the lost souls that have gone before us without fully understanding or embracing the concept of unconditional love.  Whitney Houston comes to mind, Cory Monteith (from "Glee") seemed to be another.  Ironically, they both sang of the concept of love and acceptance to help others. Cory's version of "I'll Stand by You" is on YouTube.  I was moved by it a few years before his premature death.  

Whitney Houston sings of the greatest love of all.  Love has to start within ourselves.  You have to love yourself before you can give someone else unconditional love.  If you didn't receive it as a child, know that the potential is part of us when we are born, we just have to remove the obstacles in our way.  We all deserve to be loved unconditionally.  It's our truth, we have to believe it.

Happy Mother's Day!!  Thank you to all of the moms that have giving their kids the luxury of unconditional love.  It is the greatest gift of all.

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I am grateful to the people who love me unconditionally.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Learning From My Dogs

I sometimes think about how my dogs live in the moment and don't have the long-term worries that we have as humans.  Since I believe I am here to learn and grow, I wouldn't choose their way of life over mine, but the ability to live in the moment is demonstrated by them every day and it is an interesting concept to ponder........................

Optimism:  they always think my main purpose in life is to take care of them and give them belly rubs.

Faith:  that I will fill their food and water bowls when they are empty; that they have unlimited supply. 

Forgiveness:  I know that they are doing their best and they do not have a hidden agenda.  I forgive them easily.  They forgive me easily.

Unconditional Love:  they are so excited to see me, even when I have let them down in the past; they are happy just because I am here.

Hope:  they expect a treat when they come in from outside; they always expect belly rubs.

Joy:  they find happiness in the simple things: running through the yard, sitting next to me, listening when I praise them.

Protection:  they believe it is their job to protect me from squirrels and bunnies.  They do it without hesitation and without questioning their own safety.

I have become the dog owner they expect me to be.  Their eyes let me know whether I have lived up to their expectations, but when I don't, they don't hold a grudge.  It's a wonderful, stress-free relationship.  I feel blessed to have them in my life.  

So how does this relate to the rest of my life?  I believe close, dependent relationships are better when we have clear expectations, boundaries, and consequences (most of the time).  It takes away the judgment and surprises which can lead to misunderstandings.  Understandably, though, as humans we are all doing the best we can and evolving at our our pace.

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I intend to enjoy stress-free relationships as much as possible.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

How To Avoid Drowning in the Deep End

At some point, we all end up "in the deep end".  You will find yourself in a place where you don't have the experience or essentials to swim out on your own.  Here's what I suggest:  become aware; acknowledge the situation; ask for help; regroup; learn from the experience; and release the regret.  Prepare your team before you need them; are there people you can trust with more experience than you? 

Do you remember the movie "The Sure Thing" with John Cusack, where they didn't know how they would make it and she remembered her dad had given her a credit card for emergencies, but she didn't know if it was an emergency?  People can be in crisis without even realizing it.  Do you too often take chances with your emotional or physical safety?

When looking for advice, don't always rely on people your own age because their answers are based on their own filters of fear and inexperience.  Everyone has an opinion, but it doesn't help you if their stuff gets in the way of your truth.  Understand that you always have the option to unplug.  We're in too deep, we've come too far, we have invested too much to pull the plug; these are all ego-driven filters........no, no, no.  You always have the option of changing your mind.  Always.  There is always a choice; with consideration and respect to others involved, of course.

Panic makes our brains stop working efficiently, so figure out a plan before you get into trouble and practice enough that your plan becomes ingrained.  I used to tell my kids if their shoes got stuck in the road or on the train tracks, forget about the shoes.  In a fire, forget about the valuables.  If you are being assaulted for money, let go of your wallet.  Crisis rules (different than your daily standards) apply.  You are the most important thing in each of those situations.

In my most public situation of being in too deep, why didn't I pull the plug earlier?  I thought I only had one chance at success.  I was so caught up in trying to find a way to make things work, I didn't even realize the situation was impossible.  I was so focused on keeping my head above water that I was drowning and I didn't even know it.  Everyone had advice and it was all different.  I was looking outward instead of inward.  Perspective helps in situations of overwhelm.  That is what creating space is about.

We learn from our mistakes.  But you can learn without drowning.  The faster you pull the plug on an undesirable situation, the more energy you have to fix it.  

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  When your intuition is telling you that you are in too deep, listen.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Getting Out of My Own Way

People used to tell me I was in my own way.  I never understood what they meant.  Here's the scoop:  if you have the talent, skill set, and have given enough effort to your craft to be proficient, and you haven't found success; that's a clue.

For reasons that haven't surfaced or been conquered, you are stopping your own success; creating self-sabatoge.  Who would choose to do that, you ask??  None of us would choose it purposefully, but perhaps our minds have decided that success in certain areas was wrong, for hidden reasons.

If you have a test and choose not to study; if you have an appointment but don't leave enough time to get there; if you have to cook dinner but don't make it to the grocery store; those actions or lack thereof, create failure, but you realize it's going to happen and why.  

Then there are examples of hidden issues: you are finally able to take a vacation and you get sick; you are trying your best but success is still out of your grasp; you come in second place when you deserved first; you seem to always be a step behind, while using maximum effort and talent; or you achieve something and it gets taken away.   

Some try their best to diet and exercise but can't seem to lose weight.  Others get advanced degrees but can't progress in their careers.  Some attend every sports camp and practice but can't make the team.  We have all heard of test anxiety and telling sport players to get out of their heads.  Fear is part of self-sabatoge, other reasons are varied and personal.

If you are in your own way, no matter to what degree, it is possible to begin the process of change.  It can be complicated, but for now, accepting the possibility that many of us are unintentionally blocking our own success in some area is the first step.  Awareness is always the way to begin.

When you are able to get out of your own way, you begin to see small successes in your life.  This brings relief, more fulfillment and hope for a better future.

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I intend to take inventory of my life and see if I am blocking my own success.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

Hitting Pause Before an Automatic No

Do you talk yourself out of things that don't automatically make sense or have a purpose?  That could be your intuition giving you an idea you might want to consider, or it could be an opportunity to savor a moment in time.  It might be in your best interest to hit "pause" before saying "no".

I often crave taking a bath.  I wondered why.  Then I read that taking a shower or bath puts you more in touch with your intuition.  That makes sense, right?  A while ago, I even bought a little pad of paper and a pencil designed for the shower, because most people are able to come up with good water-induced ideas.

Why do we try to talk ourselves out of simple pleasures?  If you become aware, you might hear it all around you.  Dad, can I play in the rain?  Can we walk instead of drive?  Let's go out for a celebratory ice cream with no reason to celebrate!!  All of these could be answered by "yes" or "no".

If you say "no" to your kids then rethink it, there is no harm in a do-over.  Do you make yourself hurry through situations that you could savor?  (If I use "could" there is no judgment attached, only awareness.)  The book "Simple Abundance" was one of the first books that talked about this topic; enjoying the everyday things while being grateful.  

Savoring the moment is the whole marketing campaign behind Countrytime Lemonade.  Being nostalgic is about a feeling and when we feel good, we want to stay in that place.  Even though we can't stay forever; we can recreate a similar feeling, if not the exact circumstances.  Our goal is to continuously build good memories, they don't have to be life-changing, just something that makes you happy.

Being logical, while talking yourself away from simple pleasures, wins no points on the scoreboard of life.  We can always find an excuse why we shouldn't (no judgment, only awareness) do something.  Question everything, because habits aren't necessarily good or bad, but they can be fine-tuned to give you more pleasure.  If you need anything, I'm going to take a bath;)

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  Savor simple pleasures.

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.

  

Replace "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda" With "Next Time"

I went to a speaker several years back and had forgotten to bring a pen.  At the end of the speech, I thanked the speaker and said, "you had so many great ideas, I wish I would have brought a pen!!"  He suggested not to say "would have" but replace it with "next time".

After that awareness, I have mostly learned to stop and rephrase when I use "shoulda, woulda, coulda" in my speech.  If only things could have been different, is a thought most of us have.  That thought process leads us to powerlessness because we have to first accept things as they are.  However, using "next time" adds hope to our future, and hope, as we have already discussed, is a key ingredient to positive and lasting changes.

For example, "I wish I would have called ahead to see if this was possible before I made the trip", replace with "next time I will call ahead to see if this is possible".  In addition to that, using the understanding previously discussed that everything in life is an opportunity to learn and grow, maybe, since I'm in this place anyway, I can use this moment for good.  

Can I give someone a heartfelt compliment or hold the door for someone while I'm here?  Can I stop somewhere on the way home or use this time to appreciate the beautiful sky, my dependable car or the luxury of making my own choices in life?  I personally believe that if we are strictly goal oriented, meaning if we make a misstep or something doesn't work out to plan that we have to be frustrated, then we are losing our opportunity to enjoy the unexpected moments in life.

When my daughter was young, I took her and a friend to the health club to swim.  The pool was closed at the last minute, I don't remember why.  I started the process of "I should have called, that would have been smart", then I paused and regrouped.  The kids already had their suits on so I told them they could play in the large showers as long as they wanted.  Splish, splash, they had a blast!!

So next time, I can choose to call first, or not.  The phone call doesn't matter as much as releasing the need to automatically be hard on myself.  Also, making more and more rules for myself is restrictive and not conducive to enjoying life.

Some things are in our control, some are not, we can choose to blame but I don't see the benefit in that every time.  I do see the need to state facts at work, though, because not everyone is enlightened and we have to work.  We can state the facts without adding judgment.

However, in the other parts of our lives, I don't see blame as productive.  I appreciate natural consequences. There is a difference.  Doing our best doesn't mean being perfect.  There is no perfect. We can look forward to our own "next times" with hope for a better future.

Have a wonderful day!!

Xo

Conni

Today's Mantra:  I choose to replace "shoulda woulda coulda" with "next time".

Mantra for Every Day: I choose to send love to all; receiving love back multiplied in infinite proportions, creating and nurturing pathways of love.